Monday 8-22-05

Monday 8-22-05:Well I got up all night last night by having dreams about someone and I am sick and tired of it. I dreamed all night long and kept getting up and down up and down and being upset and things. I am not going to keep doing this. I have no control of what people do and how they treat people and I dream about it all the time. I would much rather have no sleep and deal with that then deal with what I am dreaming. I can deal with the thoughts while I am awake and I can deal with not seeing someone anymore or being friends that are close but I cant control how I dream or the dreams that I have and this is really getting old. I am not a person that is here only to help out or when needed and then blown off when not. I am not a person that is ok with a phone call every week or two or a person that can be seen once every 2 weeks or so. I don't ask for a lot in return. When you start treating people like they mean nothing to you and that you can blow them off and they will be there again and again because they are friends that is not right. Maybe that is the whole reason I get burned out on close friends is because I get walked over to many times by them and don't say anything and then I don't want anything to do with them any more. Well Stacey and Kim and Sharon I will no let that happen with us. I am making a promise on here I will do what it takes to keep our stuff alive. I know others on the net that I talk to and we are great Carol, Jenny, DT, Jamie, Bina I know I cant name all of you but you guys are great. This is something that is haunting me for a long time with close friends and I need to deal that is right I need to deal. It is not being so busy you don't think about the problem it is being so dead on balls about the problem that you deal and go on. I am not young anymore and friendship don't come easy and I don't play the games that I used to so I need to fix what I have. I shouldn't have to worry about not telling someone something because I don't want to hurt a friendship I should be able to talk normal with them and they help me though it not yell or get short or anything. I know I have a problem with worrying and being afraid. I have those problem because I have had friends and more then friends that walk on me and lie to me and use me and lie to everyone else about us and then leave. If you as a friend cant deal with that with me like you ask me to deal with things for you then you need to DEAL and give me the help I need to make sure I am ok with us. If not then you need to be like the other and LEAVE. So I guess this goes out to everyone that wants to be friends possibly in person.. And if this offends anyone, then remember this.. This is a thought board not a good time only entry.. This is my thoughts that I am trying to deal with and I am trying to write down and I am trying to DEAL with and I am sorry if my inner thoughts hurt you I really am. But I am shaking like a leaf as I write then because I don't want to step on toes or hurt someone and I am worried about someone that I cant even call to see if they are ok because I don't want to interrupt their life or their time with whomever they are with. Now what kind of friendship is that. Someone knows that I have been upset for a while and do they want to talk or come over or meet up. NO not till it is more convenient for them or what ever they have planed. And to cancel some thing that is already in the works and already on the docket with a friend for something that is with someone else or new is not being a friend to that person. It is being a convent friend. I am tired of those. I don't know if this helps me or not to be able to write this stuff down but it makes me feel better now and now I will start worrying about someone reading it and using it against me or taking offence. I guess the true friends will take it and hold it and know more about me and help me through stuff better. (right). Well I guess I see some light coming out upside so I need to get to work I guess. Thanks (thoughts) for letting me have another crappy night of sleep. Went to work and worked on server things nothing seemed to go well. Then I started feeling really bad and I went to the doc's and I have a severe sinus infection and severe head cold. I was put on 2 more pills 2x a day. Came back to work and finished up the one server. Now I just have 2 more to do this week. I am home now, just finished cooking and eating my dinner (Steak, potatoes, bread, pudding) and now I am hanging out for the night. I am not feeling well at all but hey that is ok.. I hope everyone is doing ok today and has a great night. Well I came home and hung out here and ate and just feel like crap. It is not getting better but that is ok it will. I also talked to Stacey online and waited for Kim in AUS but didn't make it I just had to go to bed. I also want to thank everyone for the nice letters and thoughts. I talked to someone online and it didn't go very well. I just think she is too busy to know how much I feel and hurt and that it is easier to not care then to care and try to fix. I hope that isn't it but. I cant do anymore then what I have tried to do and have done. I need to get something back for it to be even or close or even work. Well Kim just logged on so I am going to talk to her before I go to bed. Night all.. it is now 2:00am
Tuesday 8-23-05:Well this is the 4th and final time I am getting up. I have been up and down again all night. I went to bed around 2:00am and got up about 2:30 and then 3:15 and then 4:10 and now it is 6:10. I laid in bed till now awake from 5:00am just trying not to go back to sleep. I don't understand how you can have so many of the SAME dreams about someone over and over and not be able to stop them. I even thought if I tell my dream it might help not to have it so I told Stacey and that didn't work lol. Trust me I wish there was a pill that you can take to make you not dream sometime. I got up and now I am updating this. I hope everyone has a great day. I am worried about mine. I mean I feel good about getting most of the stuff off my chest. But I worry that I lost that friendship. I want to thank Carol again I got another card in the mail yesterday and it was a great card.... Thanks, Well I am going to leave now and head to work I have a long day ahead of me I think. I went to work today and had a bad day things just didn't seem to go good on the Server Side. I then went to lunch around 1:00 and came back and finished out the afternoon. I just felt so bad I left around 4:30 and came home and took my pills and just went to bed. I didn't dream at all (YEAH) lol I then got up around 10:30 or so and talked to Stacey and Carol and Kim for a few and some others and then I took a shower that felt great and got me something to eat. Now I am updating the blog and checking things on the net. I am so sorry to all of you that I haven't been on much or been to talkative in emails or stuff. I just have a lot going on at work and just not feeling well. But I did want to say I was sorry for that. Tomorrow I have an appointment at the Shrinks lol to talk about stuff and just try to balance stuff out. So I am a little nervous about that. I also have a long day ahead of me working with the Citrix Server. I also feel pretty good that some day I might have a friendship back with someone but until them as long as we just know it is ok to be different then it will be ok. I hope you guys are doing ok and if you need anything get a hold of me via email or call me 765-717-9819 and I will try and help as much as I can how ever I can. I am going to finish up some things and then crash but I just wanted to tell you all thanks for caring and sending the nice emails and things.
Wednesday 8-24-05:I am now at work. I got up this morning no dreams at all last night and got ready and went to my the cemetery to visit my dads grave and then I left there and went and had breakfast and then came to work. I wanted to say hello and good morning to everyone and I hope you have a great day. Some news is going to be given in our office in a few hours and I am getting ready for that. I will talk to you all soon. I went to my new Doc and she is really nice. I think it will work out nice. I left there feeling pretty good about it and then I came back to work and then went to lunch. I finished lunch and came back to work and been working on the Server all day. Today's news at work was that the CEO is leaving and that is going to suck because he was the best. He wanted Technology to always be ahead of the game and he was just a great guy to know. Now I am back working again on the server and wanted to just say a fast hi to everyone. OK I am home now and not feeling well. I worked till about 8:00 or so I think not even for sure and then came home. I am now updating my blog and my website. I have a new feature that is going to be on the menu bar. It is going to be Kim's Blog. She is going to start a blog on my site and I will host it for her. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I enjoy talking to her. I talked to Stacey tonight and she is doing good. She got her nails and toes down and got hit on by the guy that did them. I am still very sick but it will pass. I hope you all are doing ok. I think I am going to dinner tomorrow night with Statia she asked me today to go tomorrow night and also asked me to go to lunch but I couldn't go today so I think we will go tomorrow. I am not planning anything because I seem to get hurt when I plan so if we go we go. I am trying hard not to ask to much out of anyone so they might be ok with me. I still haven't heard from someone but I know down deep she is ok. And that is what matters. Well I am going to get so I hope you all are ok..
Thursday 8-25-05:Well I went to bed around 1:00 I think maybe a little earlier and seem to have slept all night long with no dreams. It is now 7:15am and I am on my way to the office. Today I am rebuilding the Finance Server and putting on Server 2003. I shouldn't have to big of a deal with that. I want to thank everyone for saying how nice Kim's blog is. I know she will love that. I am feeling as of right now a little better on a scale of 1 - 10 (10) being great I am at about 5. Well I want to thank all of you again for the calls and thoughts and cards. I even got a call this morning from a family in Germany hoping I feel better and get back on the music again and things. I thought that was GREAT. Well talk to you soon. Well it is now 9:30 at night. I finished up my work for today around 6:00 or so and then came home. I got a call from Statia and we met up for dinner and had a great time talking and just chilling out. We then came back to my house and hung out and relaxed and talked. She loved my sheets on my bed so I gave her a set and then we hung out some more and talked. She then left and called me 2x on the way home to say hi and talk. I also talked to Kim and Stacey and Carol and just had a great evening thanks. Kim just updated her blog and so many people have wrote to me and her saying they love it. I am now talking with Kim and Stacey and just hanging out. I feel a lot better this evening. Still about a 6 or 7 but getting better. Talk to you all soon. Well I got a call finally from someone I have been waiting to talk to tonight late and we talked for a few min about 15 min or so. And it really felt different. It felt like I was talking to someone I didn't know anymore in a way. I don't know what the deal was but wow. I don't know if it was because she has been soo busy or if it was me or what but just didn't feel right. I didn't know what to say I didn't know what to ask or anything. I don't know :( oh well I guess. I am going to go to bed. it is now 1:00 am and I was just thinking about that. anyway Night all..
Friday 8-26-05:Well I got up today and went into the office. I worked all day and then went to lunch with Ruth and Stan at Johnny Carinos. We then came back to work and worked till around 5:30 or so. I also did some work at home. I then just hung out at the house and went to bed early. I hope you are all doing ok. I am still not feeling well.
Saturday 8-27-05:Well I got up today and talked with Kim on the computer after my walk and shower. I then talked with Kim some more and she has really helped me out with a lot of stuff going on. Thank you Kim so much for everything you have done and still do and will do. I then talked with her and Stacey on the computer and then I left to go to work and meet up with Stacey. We went and picked up Christie (yes you read that right) Stacey and I invited her to go to lunch and a movie and she wanted to go. We then went to the Mexican place for lunch in Anderson and it wasn't very good at all even Stacey thought it wasn't. We then went to the movies and watch a movie called Undiscovered I think. During the Movie I leaned over to Christie and told her I was happy for her that she found someone new. And it was like a Huge weight lifted off my shoulders I don't know what it was but after that it just seemed like things were different for the better. I put a lot of pressure on her for the last few months to spend time with me and see me and now it is just like if I see her I see her if I don't I don't. If that makes any since to you at all. She has made a decision to be busy and be herself and I made a decision to be the way I am. I can't hold her to something that I couldn't do. If she call's me she does if she doesn't then I know she is missing out on a great friend that might last longer then anything else in the world but it is up to her now lol I am GREEEAT. We then left the movie's and Christie wanted to go home so we took her home and me and Stacey went shopping and then back to her house where I worked on her computer and then we came back to my house and I fixed dinner for us and she talked to Kim online and talked with my mother and then we watched the Colt's loose. She left and I basically went to bed. I had a long day and was a good day for the most part. I hope everyone is doing ok.
Sunday 8-28-05:Well I got up this morning after a great night of sleep. I feel GREAT today..... I mowed the yard already and now I am hanging out working on updating my blog. I think I might have a couple of dates this week but I don't know if that is what I want really. I just want to have fun with people and chill and relax and enjoy time not feel like its a thing ya know. I am going to take a road trip later on today I think and I also need to get to my brothers to work on a new network for him that I am putting into his house and garage. I am going to take most of this next week off work but I will be there tomorrow because of being on the new network for the first day. Stacey is going to start a blog also so that you all can learn about her and read about her and grow to have a great friendship with her like I have. So I am trying new things on my site so I hope you all like. I went and washed the car today and drove around and went shopping and I took myself out to eat at the Mexican Place and relaxed and just enjoyed chill'n and I came home. I did another show tonight and it was nice I then left and went for a fast drive and then came back home and worked on my server. I also helped with Wavgirls site (on my links page) and got her live audio working for her. I am such a sweet guy lol I know I know. I am heading to bed. I missed talking to Kim before I crashed but I am sorry I didn't make it back sooner. Sorry also to Stacey I didn't get to talk to her either. I know I suck.
Monday 8-29-05:Well I got up today after a nice sleep. I went to work and the morning flew by and I went to lunch with Stan and we went to the Mexican place here in town. I then came back to work and he left, and I started in again working on things. The afternoon flew by and by then it was 4:00 and everyone kept looking at me like what are you still doing at work so I left lol. I am now on Vacation till next Tuesday so if you need anything or want something let me know and I can help you out if I cant. I then came home and talk to some people and then went and watched my brother bowl at the alley for a few and then came back home. I then talked some more and ended up doing a show. I will be doing a lot of them this week since I am off. Well that is about all. Had another great day. I might end up in Anderson tomorrow because I need to take some head phones back that I bought with Stacey. I also need to take the new ones that I just got at Best Buy back and get something that isn't so heavy omg these kill me. lol
Tuesday 8-30-05:Well I got up today and it just didn't go well all day. I went to Anderson shopping and then I took myself to Crackle Barrel and then ate and then I sat in the car and watched a movie. I just didn't have a good day all day and took it out on the wrong people. I then came home and worked around the house and then went to bed.
Wednesday 8-31-05:Well I got up today in a better mood. Talked to Kim a little and she is sick (sorry Kim. Anyway I had my weekly Shrink appt. and that went great. I then left there and drove to Anderson Indiana to take Statia to lunch and we had a really great lunch. WOW you guys should of seen her shoes omg. I loved them. High heels (4-5 in) with Ankle Straps lol wow she is getting to be a very nice friend and she calls me and everything go figure.. Then I talked to Karla and Stacey and then I went to work in Yorktown even though I am off and on VACATION but ya know. I then came back home where I am now working on my website. Well I had some bad news tonight about a buddy of mine down south. He lives around New Orleans and I guess he didn't make it. The family let me know tonight. I called up and made a donation to Red Cross in his name and I just feel bad about it. I am running the news channel on my TV Cam and you can also go there and listen to live audio if you don't want to see the cam. I guess you never know what might happen and should always try your best. I am going to try to be a better person to people. I did a show tonight and it was really good and then I talked to a Chris on the phone and also Jamie (her foot is doing better) and I also talk to a new person in Indy and we talked and talked and talked. I hope everyone is doing ok and if you need anything please let me know. My friend Kim is on but I think she went to pick her daughter up at school. I hate the time difference lol. I got another call from a Ali again and we talked till about 2:30 or so on the phone. I then rolled over and went to bed. Thanks for talking..
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