Hello Everyone.... This Blog Post is long coming and will be a mouth full. I will try not to "Vomit out all my feelings and thoughts but" we will see..
First of all I am "Patrick D. Conner" I am who I am.. I am who I am in the inside and I am who I am on the outside. You either take me for that or don't take me at all. I am going to try and answer a lot of the questions I have received through emails and other ways. I was going to stop my blogs and even thought about stopping the website because of one or two persons that were emailing me all the time with their thoughts and their take on my life but I have recently just thought a lot of things out and I just need to take a deep breath and stand back and think that everyone has a comment and everyone just doesn't have the CLASS and STYLE to keep certain things to themselves. They try and make themselves feel better by trashing on me or my site and for that I feel sorry for them. If you feel you have to do that then you know what keep it coming and I will continue to feel sorry for you.
When I was younger in my teens I did a few things to some good friends of mine that I wish I hadn't and those thoughts have been in and on my mind since then. I have talked to them and cleared everything up but I never forgave myself even though they said they did. Then when I was 21 something happen to me that pretty much changed the way I think and act around people and that was not my fault at all but I only told my Parents of it and it has always been there and really changed the way I view women and also the way I trust... I have just recently told others about this and I am working through it and trying to accept what it was and deal with it in the way that I should of when it happen and not let it fester for 18 years or so in me. Since then I began to close up and not be the person I need to be and person I can be. I took things that made me happy for the moment and not the things that should of and could of made me happy for a long time and just did the fast and quick happy. Then I made the mistake of liking a girl that I knew for years and thinking it was all going to work out. She had 4 kids and I cared for them and gave them what I could and gave her what I could and looked over the fact that she was totally using me and again that worked out for the worse and I found out things that was going on behind my back and I had to say bye to something that I thought was awesome. I then looked over my shoulder for years thinking what was going to happen. Not gaining any friendships in person and reverting to working and nothing more. Then I lost my Father and that was the point that I lost everything that I was as a person I think. I never really understood why he was taken from us so fast and without warning and never got to feel that feeling of closure. I then wrapped myself up in ME and working. I lost all contact almost with family and didn't really have any friends anyway at that point in my life and just put my head (under the ground) in work and didn't look back. I then found myself working for a company that I honestly thought I would retire from and loving the work that I was doing and giving them my ALL. I worked from 80 to 110 hours a week and honestly it was awesome and I loved it. YES I still didn't hang out with family and I still didn't gain friendships. I talked to people at work but never let anyone really into my life. I started something that I shouldn't of started with someone that was (at the time) I thought was just perfect for me. I did things I shouldn't of done and she did things she shouldn't of and it just ended very very very ugly. I lost something that I thought was something I never was going to have. I then would talk to much to others at work and just flirted to much and did things that just didn't make since in the long run but made me feel better for the short term. I gain a couple of friendships and with people that are still there but other then that nothing at all. I then had a bomb go off at work and I left there. I felt bad for everything and just felt like it was all me and I was the bad person but I wasn't and I know that now. I know I am a nice guy but I know I have issues and I am working on them now.
About 2 weeks ago another bomb hit me that just honestly blew me away... I trusted someone with a lot of stuff that was going on and it just blew up like always. At that point in my life I had to do something or things were just going to continue to make me not grow and not be the person I should be and can be. I have been having issues with a lot of things for a long time and cant find the one person to honestly trust and talk too about things. I will be the first to tell you that I don't trust anyone in my life right now except a few people on the net that aren't here in person and my Therapist and honestly I just now got to the point that I felt like I trusted her. I know it is bad not to trust people and I know it is bad to not even trust my family but I just cant let myself and for that I am still having issues.
I talked to my Pastor and I talked to my Therapist and came to a thought... It is kind of out there but I feel for me right now this is how it needs to be I think. That thought is........ From now on I will not hang out with anyone in person that isn't in my family. I will not let myself go into stores and or places where people can talk about me or see me and think thoughts. I am not going to try and gain a friendship in person (that I really want bad) but I am going to try and avoid everything in person. I am going to do my blogs I am going to hang out with my family when I feel I can and I am going to go to Church and honestly start my life over like I was and am 16. I need to learn how to trust, I need to learn how to feel good about myself. I need to learn how to treat women. I need to learn how to just be happy with Patrick. I have hated myself for years and years and years. I honestly think I am the ugliest person in the world. I think I am the biggest looser in the world and I think I am the a waste. I honestly believe that if I wasn't taking care of my Mother at this time in my life that I honestly would not be around here. I need to get happy, I need to be Patrick and I need to know that I am ok.
I have started working out and walking and I have started back to church and started just thinking and talking and being honest with my Therapist and just trying to live day by day. I need to accept that I will never be married and that I will never have kids and I will never honestly probably have a girlfriend. I need to know that I am OK and it is OK to be like that.
Money to me for a long long time was everything. I thought with money I could buy friendships with people and I could buy myself what ever I wanted to make myself feel good and I could give and give to others. I know now that I shouldn't have to buy friendships and I shouldn't have to buy those feelings. Its funny, now that I have been out of work for a while I still buy things for people and things and love doing that but people I thought were my friends and people that I took to dinner all the time and lunches all the time and bought cell phones for or sent flowers to or gave money to or took places only a couple have called me since I have been with out work and said Patrick let me take you to dinner or lunch or can I give back to you like you did me or things like that. I know it isn't right to ask people to do that but its just the thought that would be nice ya know.
This is the 8th day of my new challenge to myself and so far it is ok.. I feel a little better about some things but yet it is still hard. I find myself wanting to call up women that I know that are soo pretty and just say hey lets go to dinner or let me take you to a movie or come over and dress up just because I love being around a women that is soo pretty and dressed so nice but I know that is wrong. I find myself wanting to call up and just talk to people that I thought were my friends but found out I guess I wasn't.. BUT I also find myself feeling better since I started working out and walking and its weird. I find myself thinking things are stupid that I used to think were fun and great. I find myself more lonely but getting a peaceful feeling..
Like today I am sitting in Walgreen's lot working on my laptop and watching a movie on the DVD player and watching people coming and going from the store. I have been here for about 4 hours now and just thinking and working on stuff. Its kind of funny to sit and watch people go in and out. Some are old some are young some are alone some are with others. Some are really good looking and some are just avg. TRUST me some of the women look really nice lol but it is just funny to sit and watch. My Father and Mother used to go for long drives and just sit places and watch people and I think now that people laugh at the thought of it but it is kind of nice lol. I washed my Jimmy today and cleaned it out and it is a nice day with the sun out and just a cool day.
Anyway..... I am sorry if I just talked in circles or I didn't make since or what ever but I just wanted to let out thoughts and I need to do this if I am going to feel better about things and feel better about myself and I just need to vent. I will be posting more often and I will be adding pictures to my cell cam page a lot more and also I will be changing a few things on my site.
And again if you don't think I am a good person or I am a bad person or I am thinking things I shouldn't be or what ever then I am sorry. I am almost 40, no kids, no wife, no feeling of being wanted or no feeling of honestly how it is to be in love because I never have been so I think honestly I can have some things on my mind that I am should and can talk about......
