Nice Monday

I got up today around 6 am or so and started in cleaning. I then headed to breakfast and back home for more cleaning. I got so much done this morning it was CRAZY... Family then came over and hung out most of the day and I worked on my computer and iPhone for the rest of the day and did some calls tonight. I watched TV and worked out and got cleaned up and now I am about ready to crash. But overall today was a nice day and it wasn't to bad at all. I hope you all are doing well and if you need anything please let me know. REMEMBER if you want to follow my every-move then on the main page click on follow me (twitter) and sign up and you can know everything that I do at anything lol. I know pretty creepy but hey I love it. Anyway have a great night. Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment early in the morning. Car Cam (???CAM) will be online.

Sad Sunday....

I got up today in a different mood... I got cleaned up and headed out. I didn't go to church today because a lot of things are on my mind and I just couldn't focus anyway.. I went for a drive and then stopped (YES) at Walgreen's and sat and watched a movie and had a drink and worked on my laptop. After about 5 hours I went to the Grocery and picked up some things. (Family) is going to start coming over every Monday now so I wanted to pick up some stuff. I then came home and the day went down hill fast. I got into it kind of with Mother about somethings and she got upset and I got upset and it was just a mess. It is really really hard sometimes and I know NO ONE knows how it is unless you live with an elderly parent or person and try to help out. I always told myself and others that I would never have kids or be married or a family because I am not cut out for it and wow my patience or lack of them gets really hard. Anyway I found the Foreman Grill turned on with a towel wrapped around it and it was burnt and bags of chips melted on it. and that is what started everything. Oh well things are better now. I then worked on the computers and then though hmmm 11:00 pm time to work out. I walked on the Tread-Climber and can I say something.. Who Ever thought of making this unit SUCKS.... and Who Ever though it would be nice to walk on SUCKS lol man.. IF it isn't one thing I hate worse then working out it is SWEATING (YUCK) nasty... all that crappy water and smell and yuck it sucks... lol but.. for me to be the Next Guitar Hero Super Action Net lol then that is what I need to do.. lol WOW Anyway as my fingers and arms stick to the desk as I am writing this and water is running down my back and so on and so on (yuck) I need to take a shower. But I will tell you it makes you feel better to work it with a white boy lol. Oh Well off to the shower I go and back to the computers I will return. Oh did I say I am going to kill Sabra for having me buy this off her lol.

Hello Late Nighters

It is now 3:03 am and I am WIDE awake... I know I should be in bed but I just couldn't do it. I have been thinking about stuff going on and I can't figure out some things and I HATE that lol. I am the type that has to know everything. Anyway, I have been watching TV and all that this evening but let me back up and tell you what I did today.. I got up and headed out for a nice drive and then I went to the Park and hung out and then yes went back to Walgreen's just to sit and work on laptop with the windows down and watched a movie as I did. I left there and headed home. I got here and cleaned up around the house and took care of little HD and fed him and things. Then I started in watching TV and working on the computer. I changed the angle of the Pillow Cam so you can let me know if you like it or not. I also worked on my iPhone and also on the links page of my site. I will be adding some things tomorrow. I thought tomorrow I will go to the store (Grocery) and then come home and cook here and just chill out another day and work on the computer and job hunt. Well everyone I am heading to bed with more on my mind and I hope to sleep... Night All

Another Friday....

I got up today with few thoughts about anything. I went to get some things for "HD" at Petsmart (posted on my cell cam page) and then headed to get my Mother some things because yes she is sick again (cough) or something. I left there and went to the park to work on laptop and watch a movie. I headed home after more thinking and just worked on my computers. I updated my links page and the photos pages I added are different. I am also working on some other changes. I hope you like.. I have started using Safari Web browser and love it. I know you have to add some 3rd party plugin's to get it to work right on my site but wow I love it so far.. WOW.. Anyway it is late and I am tired and just starting to get a little down so I am going to head to bed before it hits lol. 

Night All....

Thursday Again........

I got up today after a really hard up and down sleep last night. I am not in the best of moods at all today.. I got a call yesterday from BRAD the guy I used to work with at LifeStream and he left a message for me that said he is going to call me again soon. I really hope that he does so we can talk. I also was in a negative mood last night (like I always am it seems) and my niece Sabra made a comment to me that made me think a lot. It seems well I knew but now I seem to just talk about stuff and always seem to be negative so after thinking last night and today I am just going to stop hanging out with family just till I get get my mouth under control and stop being negative. I honestly just have to train myself not to talk about stuff.. I honestly think that I am and have always been for a long time a negative person because of friendships that have failed or girls that have done me wrong, or jobs that have not lasted or people (dad) that passed away. It tends to change how you think and act. People only know this if they go through something that is major in their lives. I guess wen I said the other day about retraining myself I really have to start from scratch. I guess it never really hit home with me till someone in my family said it. Well I am sitting out in a parking lot just watching traffic and watching a DVD and working on the computer so I will end post... today will be better and end better (I hope).. I will be at home all evening watching TV working on the computer and hanging out if you need something let me know. I have a killer headache today and it also sucks......

Nice Day......

I got up today after a "Not To Bad" sleep. I headed out to get my Summer Wheels put on the jimmy and finished that up and headed to Aunt Ruth's to hang out and help out a little. I left there and went to the bank and then post office. I ended up back home and I copied a couple of movies that came from Netflix and hung out. I left and headed to Sabra and Paul's to visit for a few and saw LittleOne and she is getting so awesome. I left there and came home and just thought about some things and ended up getting a little down. I am just going to crash I guess.. Night All.....

Tipsy Tuesday...

Well I shouldn't say Tipsy but I am DIZZY that is for sure... I got up today and went to the Doctor (Therapist) and it was a pretty good visit. Still it seems you get going and the 50 min are up but hey that is OK.. I left and went to Aunt Ruth's house to work on computer and on the Cable TV and Cables and things and ended up getting everything running good. She is now left SLOW AOL and is now with FAST Comcast for her Internet. I had a great day there with her and left tonight and went for a small drive just to clear my head and ended up at Sabra and Paul's visiting for a few. I had my Oats there lol and came home. Now that I am home I am updating my blog (as you see) and I also made me a nice little cocktail of pills to take tonight to make myself sleep. No more of this, I also found a nice little mixture to help with my dizziness on the web so I am trying that also. I was American Idol tonight and was SAD when my girl Brooke messed up. She has to be the sweetest girl and WOW is she hot lol. I would also like to THANK Sandy from Cali for the GREAT GREAT GREAT email and the nice donation to the site. Thank you so much. Your words were awesome. Well people I am beat and HD is licking my leg and I need to go lay down and count women in skirts ( or I mean sheep ) till I fall asleep.. lol Night all.

Starting off the Week....

I got up today and headed to pick up my Aunt to take her to get her taxes done and then we stopped by the Cable Company to get her set up for the Internet. We came back to set it all up and I worked on that most of the day. I left there and came home for a few and ended up going and picking up something for her at BestBuy. I stopped by and got me a coke and now I am sitting in the parking lot just looking around and watching a DVD and working on my laptop. I spend a lot of time in my car's just sitting at different places and watching people and just thinking. I have been here for about 3 hours now lol. Today is a bad day with the dizzy thing.. It is driving me nuts.. Anyway I will be heading home in a few hours and then I will be working out and crashing.. I hope everyone has a great week.

Update at 4:15am... I came home and tried to work on stuff and just couldn't focus.. I then worked out and got cleaned up and laid down for a few min and had a dream that some girl was sitting in my office in a skirt so I got up and I came into the room and she wasn't there. So now I'm up and watching TV and working on my iPhone and just freaking out. No sleep tonight at all (well 15min) lol.

Back for Good...............................

Hello Everyone.... This Blog Post is long coming and will be a mouth full. I will try not to "Vomit out all my feelings and thoughts but" we will see..

First of all I am "Patrick D. Conner" I am who I am.. I am who I am in the inside and I am who I am on the outside. You either take me for that or don't take me at all. I am going to try and answer a lot of the questions I have received through emails and other ways. I was going to stop my blogs and even thought about stopping the website because of one or two persons that were emailing me all the time with their thoughts and their take on my life but I have recently just thought a lot of things out and I just need to take a deep breath and stand back and think that everyone has a comment and everyone just doesn't have the CLASS and STYLE to keep certain things to themselves. They try and make themselves feel better by trashing on me or my site and for that I feel sorry for them. If you feel you have to do that then you know what keep it coming and I will continue to feel sorry for you.

When I was younger in my teens I did a few things to some good friends of mine that I wish I hadn't and those thoughts have been in and on my mind since then. I have talked to them and cleared everything up but I never forgave myself even though they said they did. Then when I was 21 something happen to me that pretty much changed the way I think and act around people and that was not my fault at all but I only told my Parents of it and it has always been there and really changed the way I view women and also the way I trust... I have just recently told others about this and I am working through it and trying to accept what it was and deal with it in the way that I should of when it happen and not let it fester for 18 years or so in me. Since then I began to close up and not be the person I need to be and person I can be. I took things that made me happy for the moment and not the things that should of and could of made me happy for a long time and just did the fast and quick happy. Then I made the mistake of liking a girl that I knew for years and thinking it was all going to work out. She had 4 kids and I cared for them and gave them what I could and gave her what I could and looked over the fact that she was totally using me and again that worked out for the worse and I found out things that was going on behind my back and I had to say bye to something that I thought was awesome. I then looked over my shoulder for years thinking what was going to happen. Not gaining any friendships in person and reverting to working and nothing more. Then I lost my Father and that was the point that I lost everything that I was as a person I think. I never really understood why he was taken from us so fast and without warning and never got to feel that feeling of closure. I then wrapped myself up in ME and working. I lost all contact almost with family and didn't really have any friends anyway at that point in my life and just put my head (under the ground) in work and didn't look back. I then found myself working for a company that I honestly thought I would retire from and loving the work that I was doing and giving them my ALL. I worked from 80 to 110 hours a week and honestly it was awesome and I loved it. YES I still didn't hang out with family and I still didn't gain friendships. I talked to people at work but never let anyone really into my life. I started something that I shouldn't of started with someone that was (at the time) I thought was just perfect for me. I did things I shouldn't of done and she did things she shouldn't of and it just ended very very very ugly. I lost something that I thought was something I never was going to have. I then would talk to much to others at work and just flirted to much and did things that just didn't make since in the long run but made me feel better for the short term. I gain a couple of friendships and with people that are still there but other then that nothing at all. I then had a bomb go off at work and I left there. I felt bad for everything and just felt like it was all me and I was the bad person but I wasn't and I know that now. I know I am a nice guy but I know I have issues and I am working on them now.

About 2 weeks ago another bomb hit me that just honestly blew me away... I trusted someone with a lot of stuff that was going on and it just blew up like always. At that point in my life I had to do something or things were just going to continue to make me not grow and not be the person I should be and can be. I have been having issues with a lot of things for a long time and cant find the one person to honestly trust and talk too about things. I will be the first to tell you that I don't trust anyone in my life right now except a few people on the net that aren't here in person and my Therapist and honestly I just now got to the point that I felt like I trusted her. I know it is bad not to trust people and I know it is bad to not even trust my family but I just cant let myself and for that I am still having issues.

I talked to my Pastor and I talked to my Therapist and came to a thought... It is kind of out there but I feel for me right now this is how it needs to be I think. That thought is........ From now on I will not hang out with anyone in person that isn't in my family. I will not let myself go into stores and or places where people can talk about me or see me and think thoughts. I am not going to try and gain a friendship in person (that I really want bad) but I am going to try and avoid everything in person. I am going to do my blogs I am going to hang out with my family when I feel I can and I am going to go to Church and honestly start my life over like I was and am 16. I need to learn how to trust, I need to learn how to feel good about myself. I need to learn how to treat women. I need to learn how to just be happy with Patrick. I have hated myself for years and years and years. I honestly think I am the ugliest person in the world. I think I am the biggest looser in the world and I think I am the a waste. I honestly believe that if I wasn't taking care of my Mother at this time in my life that I honestly would not be around here. I need to get happy, I need to be Patrick and I need to know that I am ok.

I have started working out and walking and I have started back to church and started just thinking and talking and being honest with my Therapist and just trying to live day by day. I need to accept that I will never be married and that I will never have kids and I will never honestly probably have a girlfriend. I need to know that I am OK and it is OK to be like that.

Money to me for a long long time was everything. I thought with money I could buy friendships with people and I could buy myself what ever I wanted to make myself feel good and I could give and give to others. I know now that I shouldn't have to buy friendships and I shouldn't have to buy those feelings. Its funny, now that I have been out of work for a while I still buy things for people and things and love doing that but people I thought were my friends and people that I took to dinner all the time and lunches all the time and bought cell phones for or sent flowers to or gave money to or took places only a couple have called me since I have been with out work and said Patrick let me take you to dinner or lunch or can I give back to you like you did me or things like that. I know it isn't right to ask people to do that but its just the thought that would be nice ya know.

This is the 8th day of my new challenge to myself and so far it is ok.. I feel a little better about some things but yet it is still hard. I find myself wanting to call up women that I know that are soo pretty and just say hey lets go to dinner or let me take you to a movie or come over and dress up just because I love being around a women that is soo pretty and dressed so nice but I know that is wrong. I find myself wanting to call up and just talk to people that I thought were my friends but found out I guess I wasn't.. BUT I also find myself feeling better since I started working out and walking and its weird. I find myself thinking things are stupid that I used to think were fun and great. I find myself more lonely but getting a peaceful feeling..

Like today I am sitting in Walgreen's lot working on my laptop and watching a movie on the DVD player and watching people coming and going from the store. I have been here for about 4 hours now and just thinking and working on stuff. Its kind of funny to sit and watch people go in and out. Some are old some are young some are alone some are with others. Some are really good looking and some are just avg. TRUST me some of the women look really nice lol but it is just funny to sit and watch. My Father and Mother used to go for long drives and just sit places and watch people and I think now that people laugh at the thought of it but it is kind of nice lol. I washed my Jimmy today and cleaned it out and it is a nice day with the sun out and just a cool day.

Anyway..... I am sorry if I just talked in circles or I didn't make since or what ever but I just wanted to let out thoughts and I need to do this if I am going to feel better about things and feel better about myself and I just need to vent. I will be posting more often and I will be adding pictures to my cell cam page a lot more and also I will be changing a few things on my site.

And again if you don't think I am a good person or I am a bad person or I am thinking things I shouldn't be or what ever then I am sorry. I am almost 40, no kids, no wife, no feeling of being wanted or no feeling of honestly how it is to be in love because I never have been so I think honestly I can have some things on my mind that I am should and can talk about......

Final Update.....

I will be posting blogs just set to private.. IF you want to continue to read them then please send me an email and let me know who you are and why you want to keep reading them. I will add you to the list and you will get an email when I update my blog. I will tell you, it can be bad news or good news in my blog. It can be about dating or not dating, it can be and will be fully open thoughts. If that is OK then let me know...

Thanks again..

Final Post..............................

Well this is going to be a hard post.... I have been thinking about it for a while and I just feel that I need to end the blog for a while. To me a blog is something that you should be able to write about anything and just VENT. I honestly don't feel I can do that any longer. I always seem to worry about who I will offend and or who might take things the wrong way. I shouldn't have to worry about that but I do. My blog started off (over 900 posts ago) being something that was fun to share and brag and just write.. Since then my blog has became more popular to read by not only people on the net but family. Along with family I think people from the church probably read it also. I haven't been very faithful in church since my dad died. I have a lot of issues with it that I am trying to work out and having a really hard time doing. First of all anyone that knows me knows that I hate to be around people and that I feel so different and so inferior. I even feel that way when we have family get together's. I know I shouldn't feel that way about family but I do. So it is really hard for me to gather with a lot of people or groups.

I also feel that I have had a lot of issues lately that I don't want to share but I need to vent and this will help me to be able to write it down and just keep it private. I am working through a lot of issues with help of doctors and other things. Some days it works and other days it sucks. When it sucks if I write things then people say or make comments and when it is great it seems that is OK. No matter if it is someone I know or someone I don't know. I always worry about things. YES I AM paranoid and I have been for a long time.

Some other reasons why I want to stop the public blog is...... I am sick of the stupid GUY from Harrisburg PA. writing things to me about me and my issues and my site. I have been working with the owners of ZonkBoard.com and Comcast and Verizon.net (His Carrier) to get this issues taken care of. They are tracking all ip's from those areas and keeping logs to deciede what to do. I have been working with them now for a few days and it is really funny that someone thinks they can say things and not get traced back. Anyway we will see. I am also just not myself anymore and need to take a step back.

Now for the good things that come from it lol.... I can have HD update his blog more often... lol I will also be sending more pictures up to the my Cell Cam page. I am also tracking comments on that page also.

Anyway I wanted to say thanks to everyone that donates and everyone that emails me with great things to say about me and the site. You will still be able to (donate) and email and read my Twitter account. If you want, you can click on follow me under my twitter window and you will get posts every time I update it. Plus that will act as a small blog in a way.

Once again Thanks.....................................................