Saturday... Blah Blah Blah

I got up today around 11:20am. After a long Friday.. Today is not a good day for me at all. As you guys might know I usually have some serious mood swings. I never NEVER see a glass as being half full. It is always half empty. I know in my heart that after every great thing there is going to be something to knock it down or I will dwell and make it so. Well today is that day for me. I had a pretty good day yesterday and today I am paying for it. I don't know how people can do it, as far as every day trying new things or meeting new people or what ever. I cant make myself happy really (honestly happy) anymore let alone be able to share things with people lol. This blog was meant to be a release of my thoughts and my feelings back when I started it. Now it seems that if I put that I had a date or get together with someone I hurt someon one's feelings. If I put that I am unhappy with how things are going here at the house (my thoughts) then I hurt family members. If I put things about work then it hurts people I work with. I know I have issues and I am working on again and trying to get help for these things, but...... I am 38 and feel like I am sometimes 88 with nothing to show for it. Sure I have a great car, sure I have a great job but when it comes down to it that is about it for me as of right now. I have great friends from the net and that is a totally great thing. But my in person friendships, ones that I can bond with, go out with, hang out with build solid friendships SUCK Butts... I always tend to dwell, or cause something that ruins it or just cant keep my mouth shut when it needs to be. It honestly isn't anything for me to go out with a girl have a great night, and call that girl the next day and say hey I have a great guy that I think you would like, or I might say that you should hang out with someone else.. I always try to push things away before it can be something. I am not doing this blog today to get you to make comments " SO PLEASE DON'T " I am writing this to let you (people that care enough to read this blog) just to know more about me Patrick. I am an all or nothing type of person, If I cant have something now 110% of it then why bother. That was and is my thoughts all the time on a lot of things. Most of the people I hurt (or annoy) are those that I work with because that is all that I hang out with. I don't go to bars because I don't really fit in with that type of crowd. I don't go to events because I really don't like crowds at all. I don't go out a lot because I always worry, or dwell or say or do something that ruins it. I can have a total blast one minute and be totally pissed or upset or down the next. I READ into everything way to much. I have an issue with feeling guilty for what ever. A lot of people say why do you always buy all the time when you go out with people. Well it is because I feel honestly I am not worth much as a friend or person so if I buy for people then they will want to hang out more often with me. Even though I know that is wrong that is what I do. I do that with everything, I buy things or give things or do things for people to gain attention. I have a negative self esteem. I wouldn't want to hang out with me let alone someone else lol wanting to. lol.. lol.. some days are OK, some are very low but never is the day just 100% REAL and myself. I feel I live 3 lives, 1) the life of Patrick at work..... 2) the life of Patrick having to be the way his family thinks he should. 3) the Patrick that just wants to do what ever when ever and not worry about what people think or say about me. IT is very hard living 3 lives.. I know this is bad but sometimes I wish I had no family, so I could go out and try things or do things and just be Me and not have to worry about family finding out or telling other family people what I did or tried or what ever. Sometimes I wish I didn't have work so that I could just get AWAY from people saying help me do this or help me do that or this doesn't work or can you make this work.. Sometimes I wish I didn't have issues so I could go out and enjoy crowds and talk about anything. It's not that I am a bad person and wants to go out and drink or do drugs or what ever but I want to know that I "Patrick" can just be myself and not what others think I should be. One person I admire is Carol... (why) because... She is her own person. She has her own place, her own job, she does what she wants when she wants, she can have people over day or night, she can have a drink of wine if she wants she can smoke if she wants (she doesn't but) she is the nicest person that would do anything for anyone anytime and she enjoys life. Sure people have issues and problems (doesn't everyone down deep) but it is people that can be free to express that and not feel they are going to be talked about, or addressed by family members or what ever. OK another thing.. I am 38 years old and I take care of and help out with my mother. I have no problem with this, but... I love to feel wanted, or love to feel close to someone it doesn't mean I want to have sex with them or do what ever but to have someone be able to come over and just watch a movie and if we want to cuddle up and just lay there and talk about life and vent and be open and who cares if we fall asleep and wake up in the morning who cares, but yet I could never even think about doing that. I would be talked about, or said how can you do that, or that is bad for someone to do that if you aren't married or what ever. I have different views then other people and other people have different vies then myself. I personally right now think that, that would just be the ultimate thing is to just lay back and cuddle and watch and move and when it is over just turn it off, dark room, talk and laugh and relax and fall asleep.. I guess cuddle buddies or what ever. I know that my family would probably FREAK or say something to others in my family or want me to move out and probably will be upset when they read this but.. I am 38 and half my life is pretty much over and I am afraid to even live a little. Does this at all make sense. I don't want to leave mother alone in this house and have her fend for herself, I don't want to worry about her needing or wanting or what ever for anything.. I try and treat her good, provide things and just take care of things but I also want to feel I am Patrick a person not Patrick a son. Does this make since. I feel I am not really tied down but not a normal single 38 year old man. My brother Jeff is the only one in my entire family I feel like I could tell anything to and he would be honest and cool about everything and be behind me. I don't have a great relationship with him anymore because of my moods and my issues but he is the coolest brother anyone could have.. A huge heart. Well now I am just rambling on and it isn't making much since anymore. I just needed to vent and let it out and just explain somethings. Enough is enough for today.. I hope everyone is ok.. PLEASE do not make comments about this blog. It is just a release of thoughts and energy for myself. Thank you for reading it though......